Hurt
by Syrasha
Summary: She is starlight and kindness and his heart beating. He is an ocean breeze and basket case and celestial body.


**This one-shot includes smut, a suicide attempt, and hallucinations. Have fun kids.**

* * *

The first time Sam feels something more than a crush, they are in a cable car, on their way back down the mountain to lives that seem much more empty than they had when they ascended not so long before. Sam climbs in first, and Josh follows, settling down next to her as Chris sits down across from them.

Josh's eyes are rimmed red, and Chris won't make eye contact with either of them, and even though they're both relatively composed for the fact that each of them has lost two friends and sisters, maybe forever, Sam can't help the tears that keep managing to squeak out. She keeps catching Josh glancing over at her, though, like he misses them but something else too, and when Sam finally puts her finger on it she is horrified. If anyone has the right to grieve, it's him, but in this moment he's worried about how she's coping with the disappearances of Beth and Hannah.

Chris puts his head in his hands, and although Sam is certain that Chris can hear what she's saying because the night is still and there isn't even wind ruffling the leaves around them as the cable car approaches the end of the track, she speaks anyway.

"Josh, they'll be okay." Sam tries to stop the cracks in her voice, and is only partially successful, but she blunders on regardless. "You know Beth. Nothing would stop her from taking care of Hannah. She'd rip apart the woods if it meant the two of them coming back to you."

She's barely raised her voice above a whisper, because she was worried Chris would poke fun at the tender way she spoke to Josh, but when Josh doesn't respond immediately, she isn't sure he heard her, and Sam can't find the courage to speak again. She waits and waits for his answer, and it still doesn't come. When the cable car finally docks at the base of the mountain, Chris exits. When he does, Sam stands, and holds out a hand for Josh to take, hoping to help him up. Josh takes it, but doesn't move, eyes locked on Sam.

"You're probably right." Josh's words are more like a breath. "But if you aren't right, I can't afford to lose anyone else."

Sam's mouth opens and she wants to speak, but she can't think of anything good to say.

"I feel the same way," she says lamely, finally, and then berates herself for having nothing more empathetic to say.

For the first time in what feels like months, though it can't have been more than hours, Josh cracks a small smile. Raising his voice notably, "Well, I mean, I suppose I could do without Chris."

Josh drops her hand, and Sam's heart heavies again, but it is quickly forgotten when Chris's head pops back into the cable car. "What could you do without me?" Chris asks, one eyebrow raised.

"Why, do Sam, of course," Josh says as if it's the most natural thing in the world, and Sam rolls her eyes, though she can feel her heart flutter. She pushes past Josh and Chris into the snowy air outside, feeling almost light-footed, but then she remembers Hannah, and Beth, and even the thought of her hand in Josh's can't take that away.

* * *

The first time that Sam sees Josh after the tragedy at the lodge, Sam actually thinks that it's a joke. The text comes through a couple of months after the tragedy at their winter getaway, and though she has talked to Josh a few times over the phone since then, they have mostly just exchanged pleasantries, skating on thin ice around each other and trying not to dredge up uncomfortable memories.

 _Come hang out tonight. I'll pick you up at 5. Dinner's on me. xx Josh_

She's startled, and more than that, unsure of what to say. She hasn't been to the Washington family home since Hannah and Beth's disappearance, and Sam has never been comfortable around Melinda and Bob, Josh's parents.

 _I guess I should ask instead of tell you. Please, Sammy? I won't even invite Chris. It'll almost be like a real date._

She laughs despite herself, and when her mother asks what's so funny, Sam shakes her head and tells her that she'll be out late tonight. Sam's mom is curious, especially when a car that looks like it shouldn't be owned by someone Sam's age pulls up in front of the house, but Sam hasn't smiled like that in long enough that it feels like it would be a crime to ask anything that might jeopardize it.

"You're a real romantic, Joshua," Sam jokes to hide the fact that she feels a little underdressed. He's in some name brand jeans and a plaid button-up, and Sam hadn't bothered to change out of the yoga pants that she wore to walk her father's dog.

"Anything for such a lovely lady, Samantha." Josh winks at her, and in these moments, if Sam didn't know better, she would almost say that he was adjusting well to life without the twins. Nonetheless, she smiles at him.

The drive to the Washington home isn't far from Sam's much more humble residence, and Josh stops off at a supermarket not far from there before pulling into their extravagant driveway.

"Your parents away?" Sam asks offhand, taking a bag of groceries in one hand. The Washington house is big, but their footsteps seem to echo more than usual, and all the windows had looked dark from the outside.

Josh nods. "Yeah. Think they're in Italy. It didn't bother me so much when they left before…" He trails off, but picks up again. "With Hannah and Beth gone, though, it's pretty lonely."

Sam doesn't break her stride, but she does look at him concernedly. That's more or less the first serious thing he's said since he'd picked her up. Before she can think too hard about it, Sam quickly squeezes his hand before walking towards the kitchen, making a point not to look back at his reaction.

An hour after that, they have some weird French pasta dish that Sam has never heard of in two bowls that Josh whisks to the home theater. Thunder cracks outside, and Josh jumps nervously.

Sam doesn't remember him being so fidgety before.

She settles into a seat in the middle of the room while Josh queues up some foreign horror movie, twirling her fork absentmindedly before digging in when he finally settles beside her.

When the credits finally fade to black, Josh is silent for a while, so quiet that Sam thinks maybe he's asleep. Unbidden, the thought crosses Sam's mind that he smells a little like what she imagines the ocean would smell like. She's unwilling to break the spell the theater seems to have put on them, and it actually startles her when he speaks.

"This was Hannah's favorite movie," Josh says softly, and Sam doesn't even want to breathe. "She didn't really like horror, but this was an exception," he continues, and Sam looks down at the ground to see his bowl of uneaten pasta, looking like it had been picked at but not really touched.

"Do you think she's happy? Wherever she is?" He asks the questions almost reverently, and Sam doesn't know what the right answer is, so she gives him the truth.

"I hope so, Josh."

"…I guess I should get you home."

Sam isn't sure she wants to go, isn't sure she wants to leave him alone, but he's already walking towards the door, so she follows him.

* * *

Sam thinks her world is falling apart, and that hurts so terribly that she can hardly even begin to understand how Josh must be feeling.

Her phone rings at 3:30 AM on a Tuesday night, and she drowsily answers the call. She doesn't recognize the voice on the other end, and she's still half asleep so Sam is having trouble understanding what they're saying. When she asks them to repeat what they said the first time, it takes everything she has not to bolt out of her room in just her underwear and a baggy t-shirt.

"Ms. Solberg, your friend Josh Washington wandered into the emergency room twenty minutes ago. We're still assessing him, but he named you as his emergency contact according to his psychiatrist." Sam feels like she is frozen in time, and doesn't answer. "Ms. Solberg?" The secretary presses again, likely checking that Sam hadn't hung up.

"Um, yes, of course. I'll be right there. What hospital is this?" Sam asks.

The secretary gives her the hospital's name, and Sam thanks every star in the sky that it isn't far. She pulls on a pair of pajama pants but doesn't bother changing the t-shirt, and afterwards spends far too long looking for the keys to her car. She curses when she finally finds them in the cupholder of her shitty Oldsmobile, and drives 30 miles per hour over the speed limit the whole way, still sort of in disbelief that Josh trusts her enough to be the one for anyone to call if he needs help.

When she walks in through the sliding doors, Sam is doing a weird hybrid version of a jog and a walk, pulling her hair up into a haphazard bun that would have made Emily vomit. She asks the first person she sees behind a desk and at a computer where Josh Washington is and if he's okay, and the man doesn't have any answers. Instead, he asks her to sit, and for an hour she does, bouncing her leg with anxiety and chewing her nails in a way that Sam hasn't since she was a preteen.

When they finally tell her she can see Josh, Sam is ready to barrel through every person in her way, but she follows them obediently, palms sweaty and flip-flops obnoxiously smacking the floor with every step. She isn't sure what she expects when they finally bring her to him, but Sam certainly isn't expecting what she sees.

He looks mostly the same. He still looks like Josh, like _her_ Josh, because she can't help but admit that she's gotten a little possessive of him since the twins' disappearance.

Josh is as pale as a ghost, of course, and has tubes in a couple of places, but he looks the same, and upon seeing him, Sam finally asks the attendant what happened.

The attendant sighs, and asks a question in return. "Are you generally aware of his medical history?"

"Relatively," Sam says shortly, and that's true; she doesn't know what all goes on in Josh's head, but she knows it isn't always good. Anyone who spent any extended amount of time at the Washington estate knew that, and Sam had been there at least three times a week back when Hannah was still around.

"He overdosed on his medication. We don't know if it was accidental or not," the attendant says bluntly, and leaves it at that.

Sam's lips part briefly, then close again, eyes getting damper. "Can I wait here until he wakes up?"

The attendant nods, and Sam settles in on the chair by the hospital bed where he lays. When the attendant leaves, Sam rises again, and sits next to him on the bed, stroking his hand and finally brushing a soft kiss across his forehead and then another on his right cheek.

When her eyelids get so heavy that she can't bear it anymore, Sam pulls the chair as close as she can get it to his side, falling asleep with her hand on his forearm.

She has class in the morning, but at the moment, Sam couldn't care less if she tried.

* * *

When Josh wakes up, Sam is there, and he can't remember where he is, but that surprises him less than the fact that Sam's blonde hair is sprawled out next to him, that she's hunched over in a chair as near as possible to him, wherever he is, and most of all she's gripping his hand like it's a lifeline. Her hair is messier than usual, and even if Sam isn't always the most fashion conscious of his friends, he's never seen her dressed in such disarray. If he didn't think it would wake her, Josh would've been making snide comments about the cupcakes decorating her shirt.

God help him if he'd ever seen a more beautiful sight.

He takes in a breath a little louder than he means to, and though it's still quiet, it is still enough to wake her.

Sam's eyes blink open, and though she's groggy at first, she's quickly awake when she realizes that Josh is awake, too. She looks like she's about to cry, and Josh is so grateful when she speaks instead, because he's finally recalling what happened and he doesn't think he has the courage to face her while all he can think about is _she doesn't deserve this you're not good enough for her haven't you made enough people suffer what is the point of someone living when they offer nothing to those around them you know she's only close because she_ _ **pities**_ _you –_

"What happened?" Sam asks softly, and, perhaps for the first time in his life, Josh has trouble finding the words.

Finally, after what feels like a chasm of silence has grown between them, he answers.

"I don't remember."

He's lying. She knows he's lying. She doesn't keep digging even though she knows she's being deceived, and in that moment, Josh is forced to come to terms with the fact that he's falling in love with this girl because she's the only one that understands that he'll tell the truth eventually, but it isn't always possible in the moment.

"There's a party on Saturday, with some people from out of town that I know from when I was a kid," Sam says, and Josh is a little startled at the sudden change of subject. "If you're feeling better, maybe you'd want to go with me?"

Her eyes are a little nervous, like she's worried that he'll reject her, and the thought crosses his mind because _Sam's like an angel and no one wants a skinny kid who hallucinates about his probably dead sisters especially not a woman with a heart of gold and a quick tongue-_

"You don't have to," Sam starts to backpedal, and Josh, before he even knows what he's saying, speaks.

"No, I'd like that."

Sam grins. When she does, it's radiant, and even if Josh knows he doesn't deserve her, he's always been a bit of a selfish prick.

* * *

They don't talk about what happened that caused him to wind up in the hospital. Josh is sure that they would if he brought it up, but Sam is too tactful for that, instead opting to take care of him in other ways.

Tonight, though, with that dress on, he would be perfectly content with taking care of Sam in more ways than one. His heart isn't the only thing swelling when she smiles a little sheepishly at him. He takes a deep breath, and smirks cheekily at her.

"Out to eat some hearts, Sammy?" He winks at her, and she laughs.

"Only yours, sweetheart," Sam says, and Josh offers his arm, which she gladly takes. "Full disclosure," she says, suddenly whispering as they enter the house where the party's being thrown, "I only brought you because I need to impress all these people, and what better way to do that than showing up with a _Washington?_ "

Something in him shifts, and he isn't sure if it's natural or if it's part of Dr. Hill switching up his medication, but he says, "I can be whatever you want me to be, Sammy."

Sam shudders, so slightly that Josh wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't taken his arm before. She doesn't answer him, and briefly Josh is worried if he overstepped his boundaries, but Sam doesn't seem to have taken offense, and if he's honest, that was tame compared to what that dress is making him think.

Josh isn't drinking, and Sam doesn't drink much anyway because all it really takes is a margarita to put her over the top. He watches her, talking to a tall brunette with heels that easily put her over six feet that towers over Sam, sipping a soda and casually leaning against a wall. Sam is grinning, and it's a little infectious, and really Josh likes the view too because sometimes the strap of the dress slides down and Sam doesn't notice it immediately.

He's thankful he hasn't been drinking, because if he had been, there's no telling what kind of desperate fool he would have made out of himself.

Lost in his head, he hasn't noticed that the brunette had convinced Sam to grab a drink of the alcoholic variety, and he'd been such a wallflower for the last twenty minutes that Josh didn't really notice until it was too late. Suddenly her arms are around his neck and Josh is off the wall in the middle of the room, putting his hands around her waist as she sways slowly, just out of time with the music. He's not quite as tall as the brunette girl she was talking to earlier, but he's tall enough, that Sam has trouble getting as close as she appears to want to.

He's pretty sure he's the envy of the room, because the only one worth anyone's time should be Sam.

When Sam starts giggling and stumbling, Josh knows that the rest of the alcohol must have hit her system. She's still locked around his neck, and everywhere she touches crackles with electricity, and even though he doesn't ever want this to end, Josh says, "Come on, Sammy. Let's get you home."

She doesn't protest, but she does have a little trouble walking, finally opting to ditch the heels that she confided in him earlier that she actually bought at a local thrift shop. Josh offers to carry them for her, but she blows him off, so they leave her shoes in her friend's yard, near the end of the driveway.

The hiccup comes when Josh tries to drop her off at home. It's the first time he's ever seen Sam cry.

"Don't make me," Sam is practically wailing, and Josh isn't sure what to do. He knows her parents are home, because their cars are in the driveway, but Sam doesn't seem concerned.

"Would you feel better if you stayed with me?" Josh asks, and when Sam nods in between sobs, he drives on.

In the short time it takes to get from Sam's house to the Washington estate, Sam falls asleep. Josh doesn't have the heart to wake her, instead straining his skinny arms to carry her up to the door and then into his bedroom. She wakes up when he tries to leave, and Josh doesn't even notice until she grabs his arm from where he's placed her.

"Stay." Sam's voice is barely above a whisper, and she seems to have sobered up some, so Josh doesn't feel too terrible for acquiescing. He crawls into his bed where she's already back asleep, both of them still in their party clothes. Sam's eyeliner is smudged, her lipstick is all over his pillowcase, and she's actually snoring, but she's still like an angel.

Josh can't sleep with her so close. Instead, he lays just close enough that he can stroke her hair, wanting to steal every fraction of a moment he can, and when Sam trembles, apparently in the throes of a nightmare, he pulls her closer.

They're actually spooning now, and it feels so high school that he's content to just lay here with her like this, but then Sam whispers his name in her sleep and grabs hold of the hand he'd been using to keep her close.

He can't keep the voices out and they keep on _you'd be better off dead what do you hope to accomplish with this charade eventually she'll see the light and leave just like your mom and dad and Beth and Hannah_ _and even if she stays it's not because you're you but because you're a fucking basket case_ and he's not fine and he's pretty sure he'll never be fine, but Sam's like a ray of sunshine in a life of never-ending night.

* * *

When he wakes up, Sam is gone, but her dress is on Josh's bedroom floor, and he's confused for a minute until he walks down the stairs to hear something sizzling on a skillet. It makes him happier than he wants to admit that she didn't just leave, and then he registers what she's wearing.

Sam has on one of his button-up shirts with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, and it comes down almost all the way to her knee, she's so small, and Josh notices then that she has nothing else on. A nagging part of him wants to hope that this isn't the last time that he'll see this sight, though he wouldn't object to cooking her breakfast if the roles were swapped.

"Good morning, beautiful," he says, and she turns and smiles at him, then does something he isn't used to. Her throat gets a little blotchy, almost like she's nervous. "What's for eats?"

"Found stuff for vegan pancakes. You're more than welcome to cook up the bacon here, but I wasn't desperate enough to do it."

"If I eat vegan food once, I won't begin the transformation into one, will I?" Josh asks.

Sam chuckles and serves up the food, not gracing him with an answer. They eat in silence, and the atmosphere is almost domestic. He wants to speak up, to say something about what she's doing to him, wearing that shirt around, how it stirs up something territorial, almost primal in him. It very much kills the mood when he notices that she's watching him like she's waiting for a confession. Sam would never _make_ him talk about it, but that didn't mean she didn't want him to.

Suddenly, Josh realizes he hasn't been very fair, and though he's nervous about the consequences, he puts down his fork.

"I never really got…" Josh takes a deep breath. Sam cocks her head to the side, listening intently, and Josh starts again. "I never got to thank you for showing up at the hospital. And I think we both know I lied when I told you I didn't remember what happened."

Sam shrugs. "Wasn't really any of my business. I was worried, but I was mostly concerned with you being okay. Figured you would tell me in time."

Josh wants to cry. That was so Sam, always expecting the best of him. "Well, I…" Josh hunkers down, resisting the urge to make a bad joke to cover up how uncomfortable he is. "I'm not really okay."

"I never really thought you were." Sam's words are blunt, but not accusatory, and Josh has to force himself to press on before he loses his nerve.

"I see them. I see Beth and Hannah. I see them every night, and the night you came to the hospital, they kept asking why I hadn't saved them, and I didn't think I could do it anymore and all I wanted was to die so I could see them again. Then I didn't want to die. And then I woke up in the hospital, and you were there, and you asked me to that party and someone inside me was telling me that I didn't deserve it and I know I don't deserve it but I absolutely have to have you anyway and that's not all that's wrong with me but it's what comes to mind right now and I absolutely couldn't handle you thinking you can fix me because I'm some tragedy that needs a happy ending."

It was all out in the open, and Josh was ready for the storm, but it never came. Sam pushed her chair out from the table and stood, walking towards him. Josh hadn't realized that he'd risen from his own seat, but he must have at some point, because he is standing there, fists clenched and biting his lip like his life depended on it. Then she is kissing him.

At first her kisses are feather light, with her up on her tip toes, her hands cupping his face. Josh's hands relax, finding their way to the small of her back, and she quivers when he fiddles with the shirt she's wearing, but then Sam kisses him hard and it's difficult not to moan when she's biting his lip. Suddenly she is flush with his body, and Josh can feel her heartbeat just as easily as he can feel her nails digging into the nape of his neck with need.

"Did you know," she mumbles with her lips so close to his that he can feel her breath, "that I was enamored of you from the first time Hannah brought me here? I thought, wow, Josh Washington is like worlds away from me and I can't believe I'm even lucky enough to exist in the same realm. I wanted you before I knew about any of your pain, Joshua. I don't want you because of it. I want you despite it."

"I want you," Josh growls, a hint of his humor in his voice, "because my shirt has never looked so good anywhere but on you."

Sam chuckles. "Man, you missed your shot. 'It would look better on my bedroom floor' was wide open."

She drags him up to his own bedroom, and he isn't sure that this isn't another hallucination but even if it is, he may as well enjoy the only good one he's possibly ever had.

Sam is on top of him on the bed, rubbing just slightly against his erection, and he wants her so bad that he almost whimpers, but she seems to just be getting started. She wiggles him out of his shirt, trailing kisses along his cheek, sucking on his lip just slightly, then kissing her way down his jawline to further south, pausing at the waistline of his jeans. Josh stops her, pulling her face back up to his.

"Come on, Sammy," Josh says, and she almost melts at the sound of her nickname. He starts taking off the button-up she has on, and says, "I showed you mine, show me yours."

Sam is uncharacteristically red, but far from unwilling, helping him with the last three buttons because he is shaking so much that he can't seem to get the shirt off of her. Sam is bra-less underneath, and he didn't think he could get any harder but he does, placing one hand on her breast and using the other one to pull her nearer to him, crushing her face to his.

She's only in her underwear now, and Josh feels like there are too many layers between them. He grinds against her as she is on top of him, and Sam whimpers, clutching the breast that Josh isn't preoccupied with.

He flips the tables, pinning her underneath him although he's about 98% certain that Sam could easily overpower him if she wanted to. Josh appreciates her at least pretending that he has some semblance of power, and slowly inches her underwear off until she is completely naked under him.

Josh is far from a virgin, but he doesn't think he's ever been so nervous to go down on a girl before, and Sam is almost begging before he even touches her. Somewhere in his mind it registers that he could do this for the rest of his life, but at the moment he is consumed with the need to taste her. Josh isn't disappointed when he does so, sliding his tongue across her clit once before using it to enter her, thumb working her clit instead. Sam grips the sheets, getting wetter by the moment and arching her back. Sucking on her clit and fumbling with his jeans, Josh is rock hard, and he has to resist the urge to completely fill her.

"Josh, please. _Please_."

Sam is almost out of words, but "Josh" and "please" appear to still be in her vocabulary, and when he slides into her, it takes everything she has in her not to squeal at the sudden pleasure of being full. Josh is right at her ear, and when he whispers to her, it's almost enough to send her spiraling into an instant orgasm.

"You don't have to be quiet if you don't want to, Sammy. Do whatever feels good."

Her nickname melts her, and as he finally thrusts into her all the way instead of teasing her entrance, she clutches her breasts and whimpers loudly. Sam didn't know it was possible, but Josh seems even more enthusiastic now, thrusting in and out of her while her insides feel like they're on fire, begging for release.

When Sam asks him for permission to orgasm, he is already close to the edge, and it takes every ounce of willpower to continue thrusting into her instead of just letting go. "Do I need to pull out, Sammy?"

She's clutching the sheets again, and manages to squeak out a "no" before letting out what can only be described as a wail of pleasure. She clenches around him, and Josh thinks he's seeing colors he's never seen before, his whole body contracting with the pleasure of being inside Sam.

Sam is still reveling in the pleasure when Josh collapses next to her, and he seems unwilling to leave her, which is just fine in Sam's book.

"There aren't going to be any little Washingtons running around, are there?" Josh asks, half-joking and half-serious.

Sam chuckles, face to face with him as he pulls his blanket up over their naked bodies. "Shouldn't be. I'm on the shot."

Josh buries his face in Sam's collarbone, and even though they're both not far from the high that they had ridden just moments before, he confesses, "I don't know if I'll ever be okay, Sammy."

Sam strokes his hair and lifts his face to hers. "You don't have to be okay, Josh. There's nothing wrong with not being okay."

And Josh knows it isn't what you're supposed to do after sleeping with the most perfect girl he's ever seen, but when she says that, he starts to cry, and he cries for hours, Sam holding his head and stroking his hair until he finally falls asleep with her next to him.

* * *

 **welcome to sam/josh hell!1! i love this pairing probably because i was a huge fan of hayden panettiere before until dawn was ever released but whatever! thanks so much for reading, i hope you enjoyed!**


End file.
